My daughter and wife have had it. Riding around the other day, my ladies started complaining about all the flags that were still at half-staff.
“Hasn’t it been enough time?” they chimed. Apparently it hasn’t, according to President Bush. When former President Gerald Ford passed, Bush declared a 30-day period of mourning. That means the flags should go back to elevated threat level this Friday, so be ready.
As far as I’m concerned, the problem I have is people not knowing who Ford was. One coworker asked why the flags were at half-staff and when I responded it was for President Ford’s passing, she looked puzzled.
“Was he the president of the Ford Car Company or something?”
“Of course he was. That’s why people in Mustangs are driving with their headlights on.”
At that moment I realized this non-recognition was Ford’s own fault. The average citizen today doesn’t remember him. Today’s citizens are mediocre and the blame lies with Ford.
If presidents were Beatles, Ford aspired to be Peter Best.
Ford epitomized the Dilbert Principle. Throughout his 24-year stint as a congressman, he never wrote one piece of legislation. He became House Minority Leader due to his “fair leadership and inoffensive personality.” He sounds like a great blind date.
Now there’s nothing wrong with not being a firebrand. In fact, this quality inspired Nixon to appoint Ford as his replacement for Spiro Agnew as Vice President. It seemed like a good idea at the time. Put someone calm in the position who won’t disturb the water; a man who would to put America’s mind at ease, especially if he might become President should Nixon be forced to resign.
Hey, he did a bang-up job when he was part of the Warren Commission! It must have been his desire to console the nation motivating him to change the entry point of the bullet in Kennedy’s back. With the “magic bullet” theory accepted, the commission ensured the nation that Oswald was the only assassin.
To quote Madeline Kahn’s character Lili von Schtupp from Blazing Saddles, “What a nice guy.”
Ford also sought to comfort the nation when he pardoned Nixon for his involvement in Watergate. (If you don’t know what Watergate was, it’s time for your daily Wikipedia fix.)
And that pardon cursed today’s generation. By letting Nixon off the hook, Ford sent a clear message that it was OK to be a crook. To lie. To cheat. To steal.
In survey after survey, a majority of college students say they cheat. In one recent survey, up to 80 percent of business majors admitted to cheating on exams. Most felt they had to cheat to succeed in business. (In the interest of full disclosure I admit I chose to minor in business. It was either that or political science.)
When Ford passed away, it seemed odd the other two persons in his “don’t-famous-people-always-die-in-threes?” partners were James Brown and Saddam Hussein. I just hope they aren’t now eternally linked in some sort of twisted afterlife calling circle of friends.
Let’s see, Ford’s ring tone would be a slow version of “Hail to the Chief” and Brown’s would be “Sex Machine.” Hussein’s phone would chime with “The Message” from Grandmaster Flash and the Furious Five. Represent!
Upon reflection, it now seems appropriate the majority of flags at half-staff are in front of car dealerships. Think what role models car dealers would be if they had enough courtesy to bring the flags in out of the rain like the Chinese buffet guys.
But I believe hope still shines for our country. My coworker came back the next day and told me she knew I was joking about the Mustang drivers.
Then she said, “But, seriously, how can he have, like, five funerals?”
“Oh, I’m glad you asked. See, they cut him up in five equal pieces to put in five different coffins.
But don’t worry; the head will still be accessible for episodes of Futurama.”