Alas, it is my final semester at Texas A&M University – Commerce, and I cannot help but think back on the last two years I’ve been here. Ahh … the many wiener jokes I have made, and my crazy antics on KETV 3, KETR and KKOM Radio Texas. But perhaps you don’t know of my antics or jokes? Maybe this is your first time reading my column.
To you veteran Lions, I must ask for a little patience. To you new readers, I want this to be love at first sight.
Behold your hero for the duration! A humor columnist who refuses to make a difference! A columnist who is not only immature, but also incredibly sophomoric (and sometimes a little repetitive and redundant). A columnist with blazing insight and incredible wiener jokes. A columnist with things to say to you.
So what do I have to say? Not much, really. I didn’t do too much during the winter break. Basically I sat around and ate dumplings. Well, my girlfriend did come home with me to meet my family, but I’m not going to write about that. It is just too personal. No, I cannot divulge what happened.
Okay, maybe I will.
My family loved Robyn, which is to be expected. EVERYONE loves Robyn Hollis. If you know her, you are probably nodding your head as you read this. “Yep,” you are saying to yourself, “she is a great person. So what the hell is she doing with YOU?!”
I’ll tell you what she is doing with me: making me watch “chick flicks” during College Football Bowl Season! Robyn and my mother ganged up on me with movies like “Sleepless in Seattle While Benny and Joon Get Mail as Hearts in Atlantis Break and Pants Travel.” Yes, I was surrounded by over-stimulated female emotions.
Another thing my mother and Robyn made me do was shop. For the record, I hate shopping! I haven’t shopped for clothes in three years, which is why I look like they threw me off the turnip truck at noon. But I wasn’t going alone. No ma’am, I had a hostage – my little brother, Gray.
Gray, an up-and-coming high school basketball player (shameless plugs are another feature of my column), was very entertaining while we shopped for shoes. He would find a pair of hideous sneakers and declare, “These are some damn ugly shoes! I must have them!”
“If you think they are ugly,” I asked, “then why are you buying them?”
“Because nobody else will have them,” he said. “Then everyone at school will come up to me and tell me how ugly they are and then ask where I got them. They’ll want them, too!”
Not a bad modus operandi.
But for all my bellyaching, the break wasn’t bad. In fact, I had a great time with the people I love the most. But if I ever see another chick flick, my friends will burn my “Man Card.”
Now if you will excuse me, I have to go buy more ugly shoes. Besides, I think How to Lose a Guy in Ten Days is on television. So come on over, babe! I’ll make the popcorn.