It’s time now for The Secret News.
Shhh …
I could get into so much trouble for this. “They” could be watching me, so I must be cautious. But I cannot be silent any longer! We in the media know everything about what is happening in the world, but it is no longer our job to print the truth! Our job is to scare you and to make you want to buy more useless crap. Got to keep the economy going, eh? Besides, our corporate masters keep us on a tight leash, and I will be punished if they have found out what I’ve done.
I’m going to let you in on some secrets.
Shhh …
The people that make Toyota’s are THE SAME people that make Lexus’! Also, General Motors makes Chevrolets. It’s true! And Ford owns Mercury. Oh, the trouble I’m going to be in!
Shhh …
Baskin-Robbins has MORE than 31 flavors!
Shhh …
There is a Gay Mafia. They are out to destroy our family values and bad fashion sense! (“Does this Tommy-gun clash with my loafers?”)
Shhh …
Have you ever noticed how Jay-Z and Bill Gates are NEVER in the same place at the same time? And that their rap albums sound almost IDENTICAL?
Shhh …
All of Nickleback’s songs sound EXACTLY ALIKE. This is because they are selling you THE SAME ALBUM over and over again.
Shhh …
Drinking a bottle of cough syrup doesn’t get you high. You just feel like you will never, ever cough again.
Shhh …
Hiccups are actually tiny robots planted inside of your body by the government trying to escape.
Shhh …
The new channels used by Hi-Def radio stations are being used by car dealerships to beam directly into your brain annoyingly loud car commercials! That’s why you can’t stop hearing, “I don’t care how you git here, folks, just git here!”
Shhh …
Everything ever written on the internet by some wacko who has a billion letters after his name because of all of the degrees he got from an online university (Ollie Tabooger, B.A.M.S.Ph.D.I.M.A.S.T.U.P.I.D.W.I.E.N.E.R.H.E.A.D.) is TRUE!
Shhh …
During the Super Bowl, the government is going to use subliminal advertising to make you want to drink beer, eat a large bag of Cool Ranch Doritos and lick the onion dip bowl clean.
Shhh …
The Harry Potter series is trying to recruit an army of pre-teens into worshiping Satan and taking over the world!
Shhh …
Muslims are responsible for all acts of terrorism everywhere! (Source: FOX News)
Shhh …
Now you know the truth. Use it wisely, my constant readers. And keep a constant lookout for anything suspicious! I’m going to have to be extremely careful for the next few weeks, just in case somebody tries to …
Hey, who are you? Just what the hell do you think you are doing? Don’t touch that! HEY! GET YOUR DAMN HANDS OFF ME, YOU … CRASH … thunk.
Shhh …