We here at The Truth and Other Lies believe that our mission, should we choose to accept it, is to bring you, the constant reader, all the news that is fit to print. Or at least make it up.
That’s what is great about being a humor columnist. I have carte blanche (literally, blonde shopping carts). The editors of this award-winning newspaper have decided that eliminating the untrue statements in my column is futile. So if you see the phrase “impotent ostrich” in this column, then my editors haven’t read it.
In my increasing attempt to gain as much publicity for myself as possible (I am an egomaniac, after all), I have decided to hold a contest. It will be your job to determine which of the following stories is false. Once you pick the false story, send me an e-mail to thetruthandotherlies1@gmail.com. I will then hold a random drawing, and the winner will receive a prize.
Ready? Here we go.
According to a Reuters article, researchers in Germany have discovered during their study of spiders’ copulation techniques (Let’s get it on, baby! Spidy style!) that male spiders sometimes leave their sex organ inside their female partner as a sort of chastity belt to deter rivals.
“By breaking off parts of their intromittent organs inside a virgin female, males can reduce sperm competition and thereby increase their paternity success,” the Bonn University researchers wrote in the journal Behavioral Ecology.
First of all, ouch. Second, who the hell went to college to study spider’s copulation techniques? Can I major in spider sex? I can imagine the conversation with the parents over that degree decision.
Son: Mom, dad. I’ve decided to go to college and become a scientist.
Mom: My son! How lovely!
Dad: That’s my boy!
Son: Yeah, I’m going to major in spider sex.
Mom: What?!
Dad: What the hell are you going to do, work at the Spider Sex Factory?
Here’s the second story:
According to the AP, three teenagers in Germany may have to pay a fine if a court decides that their firecrackers outside an eastern German farm scared the libido out of an ostrich named Gustav.
The farmer’s lawsuit claims that the fireworks “made the previously lustful Gustav both apathetic and depressed, and thus unable to perform for a half-a-year with his two female breeding partners.”
What the hell is going on in Germany? Why are they so interested in the sex lives of animals? Is this their punishment for trying to take over the world several times?
Judge: Germany, since you are so determined to conquer the world, it is the decision of this court that you are to be very concerned with the breeding habits of lower life forms.
Germany: Bist du Nusse?! (translation: Give me sauerkraut!)
And now, story number three:
According to another AP story, German doctors have discovered that Germans who eat wiener schnitzel four times a week are more likely to become sexually aroused than those who do not.
“We believe that the myosin protein strand found in veil, which is the main ingredient of wiener schnitzel, acts as an aphrodisiac,” a German doctor said. “If you combine the use of sauerkraut, however, the affect is inverse.”
So, guys, when you are trying to decide where to take your lovely ladies for a romantic dinner, try German! But stay away from the sauerkraut, because apparently the ladies don’t like the smell of sauerkraut tooters.
There you are, my constant readers. Stories about spider sex, an impotent ostrich, and wiener schnitzel. Think you’ve got the false story picked out? If you do, send me an e-mail. You could then win a box of German condoms (Wiener’s schnitzel). One lucky reader will win a lunch with me. I’ll interview you for a feature story that will be published in this newspaper. I’ll make you famous!
You bring the sauerkraut.
email Michael at
thetruthandotherlies1@gmail.com