Are you excited about spring break? Well, that’s a dumb question. Of course you are excited. Spring break is, traditionally, when college students everywhere get the hell out of Dodge and spend zillions of dollars getting drunk and having unprotected sex with multiple partners and going into debt up to their eyebrows doing it.
Sounds like fun.
I’ve never gone anywhere for spring break, because I don’t have the kind of money you spoiled-brats out there get from mommy and daddy. No, I sit at home, drink whiskey straight from the bottle, and call evangelical preachers at four in the morning and ask for their miracle spring water (don’t ask).
This year was supposed to be different. This year my friends Shay, Josh and I were going to go to Las Vegas for the break. But I can’t go. I have to go to the Texas Intercollegiate Press Association conference in San Antonio, but I’m not complaining.
My hotel room is covered. All I have to pay for is meals and entertainment. And I have the shot of defending my “First Place Student Anchor” and “Second Place Radio Announcing” awards. Also, my talk show “Hot Topix” is entered in a competition.
So Josh and Shay are going to Vegas without me. Everyday they give me a countdown. “Two weeks left, you douche,” Josh will say. Or “Four days left until I hit the casino, you hump,” Shay will say.
Well, to hell with you guys.
Okay, not really. I’m jealous because I can’t go. They will be having the time of their lives, and I’ll be working.
Shay, Josh … I hate you guys. But at least I won’t be in debt up to my eyebrows!
Speaking of debt, if you are going to travel for Spring Break, I would suggest you travel the way my girlfriend Robyn does. Namely, have the university pick-up your traveling expenses. Robyn was an instrumental part of the Veterans Vigil last semester. So, as a sign of thanks, the university is sending her to Washington, D.C.
I wish I could come up with a joke here, but I can’t. She deserves that trip.
So where are you going for your break? To the beach? To the slopes? To the “Girls Gone Wild” RV to star in your own video? To jail? Because you must be careful out there. I know that driving around Mexico at three in the morning, your stomach full of tequila, looking for a place to kick a midget down a flight of stairs sounds like a good idea. But, trust me, it’s not. I suggest looking for the donkey show.
But that is neither here nor there (it’s in Mexico, remember?). My point is to have a good time, but to do it safely. You don’t want to come back from the break with your crotch on fire and the FBI looking for you, do you? I mean, you would have great stories to tell for years to come, but is it really worth it?
Probably. And that is why I hate all of you. Enjoy yourselves, you wieners. But have fun paying for it in more ways than one.
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