I have a difficult time following the rule of “state your point in the first paragraph” when it comes to writing this column. So allow me to be frank: Shut up and behave in class, stupid.
If you think this statement might apply to you, then it does.
Talking with the professor is one thing, even joking with them. But there’s a difference in being a part of the instructor’s discussion and being irritating, rude or just plain ol’ obnoxious to the class.
Still unsure? Perhaps I should clarify these behaviors so you’ll know if you’re guilty.
(And let’s use the Jeff Foxworthy method so everyone can play along.)
You might be irritating if your phone rings in class. You might be rude if your phone rings in class with “Fergalicious” as a ring tone. You’re just plain ol’ obnoxious when it rings with “Fergalicious” as a ring tone and you answer it, carry on a conversation detailing how you plan on having intercourse later and give the instructor a glare when they have the nerve to ask you to get off the phone – in class.
(Gonna have to speed this up.)
Irritating: Always having to respond in class.
Rude: Always responding with the wrong answer intentionally.
Obnoxious: Always responding with the wrong answer intentionally in Cartman’s voice while doing an impersonation of Kissinger.
Irritating: Having a separate conversation not pertaining to the class.
Rude: Having a separate conversation not pertaining to the class loud enough to throw the instructor off his lecture.
Obnoxious: Having a separate conversation not pertaining to the class loud enough to throw the instructor off his lecture and cursing the instructor during the process.
(Hey, this is really easy. I can copy and paste most of the examples! Dang! I figured it out on the next-to-last one!)
Irritating: Someone eating chips in class.
Rude: Someone eating chips in class right behind you (well, really me).
Obnoxious: Someone eating chips in class right behind you (well, really me) with blue cheese dip and not knowing how to close their mouth while chewing. (Yuck.)
(Who created blue cheese dip? Somebody who left the refrigerator door open all day?)
If you have a phone, put it on silent or vibrate – but not to please yourself by having friends call you. If it rings, either ignore it or sneak a quick peek. If you answer it for an emergency, go outside. (Funny how those emergencies seem to happen more frequently these days.) If you stay in the classroom, we the fellow students who pay for our education have the right to remove the phone from your hand and throw it against the wall. (Check it out on YouTube.)
If you have to respond in class to a question, know the answer or have enough courtesy to say you don’t know. Don’t waste other people’s time. (More specifically: Mine.) Don’t respond with a 15-minute story about what happened to you in Dallas one weekend while you were drunk and how it changed your life. While the rest of the class is happy you got that new piercing and avoided hepatitis C for the third (or was fourth?) time, we secretly started hoping you would get hit by a bus. Repeatedly. I promise to deflate the tires a little.
If you have to have a separate conversation in class, why not have it pertain to the subject? Or better yet, shut up. Oh, sorry. I was supposed to be funny there. Just go back to that and put “dorkface” at the end of that.
Dorkface.
Eating chips. Not cool, especially if you have not mastered the third-grade skill of opening a bag silently. Close your mouth, you artist, you’re drawing flies. Try doughnuts, they’re soft and silent – just like mute Smurfs! (Did you know you can get high from licking a Smurf?)
Perhaps it seems like I’m just irritable. I have to admit I’m almost to the point of yelling at kids who are on my lawn. (Let me get some sock garters and a loose-fitting robe first.)
But maybe, just maybe, I think we should show our instructors a bit more politeness, courtesy and, yes, respect. I’m sure some of the faculty would agree. And maybe your grades would improve, too.
Now, since I’m playing daddy, go clean your room and take out the trash; your mother will be home soon.
Email Troy at theeasttexan.com