There comes a time in every writer’s life when he must ask himself – as Dostoyevsky, Shakespeare, Thoreau and Barry must have asked themselves – do I have to stop writing irrelevant columns full of wiener jokes because I’m graduating from college?
For me, unfortunately, the answer is yes.
I believe with all my heart that not one student who has walked the hallowed halls of Texas A&M University – Commerce has enjoyed their stay as much as I have. And I’m fairly confident that there are some professors, administrators and other university employees happy to see me go.
You’ll get your wish soon enough. But I want to thank everyone who has helped me, directly and indirectly, with my column, “The Truth and Other Lies.”
First I want to thank my editors over the years: Justin Acker and Joey Dean. Justin, when I told him I wanted to write a humor column, didn’t laugh in my face. He told me to go for it, and when I sent him my first column, Justin continued to ask for more.
Before the end of his tenure as editor-in-chief, I was practically guaranteed space in The East Texan. Enter Joey Dean.
Joey let me spread my wings. He wasn’t afraid that I was going to offend people. He constantly encouraged me, because he wanted angry letters to the editor as much as I did.
My heartfelt thanks to both of you wieners.
Second I would like to thank my friends, because many times they were the butt of my jokes. Oh, the fun I had writing about them wanting to kick midgets down a flight of stairs in Mexico, eating penguins and all the other stupid stuff we’ve done over the years.
Thanks to all of you, especially Derik Grey, Shay Moore and Josh Henry. You three are major wieners.
I would also like to thank my professors, because they taught me everything I know and had the privilege (by privilege, I mean misfortune) of putting up with me in classes for the last two years.
To Dr. Lamar Bridges, Dr. John Mark Dempsey, Dr. Robert Sanders and Fred Stewart: I couldn’t have asked for better teachers. I apologize for acting like a smart-ass wiener in class. But we had fun, didn’t we?
I also want to thank Robyn Hollis, because I wrote about her many times. That poor woman. Not only does she get mentioned in my column, she is also dating me. But she has a great sense of humor and makes me laugh constantly.
Thank you for putting up with me, love.
Of course, I couldn’t have done anything without my constant readers. No matter where I went on campus, someone would always ask me a version of, “You’re the guy in the paper, right?” I almost never knew what to say. Perhaps my friend Derik Grey said it best, “Dude, people KNOW you!”
And then there were the letters. Those always made my day. Charmaine Caldwell, senior academic advisor, always left me a nice note. Brock Calloway, an A&M – Commerce alum, almost made me spew soda through my nose when he wrote, “Now give me German condoms and make me famous!” I think most of us would agree that his words captured perfectly the theme of my column.
You see, I didn’t want to write about poignant social issues or the current political climate. I wasn’t out to force my beliefs down your throat or to make you think. My goal was to make you laugh so hard you would need a change of underwear. That’s why I wrote about a guy eaten by bears, the differences between men and women, how to use grammar correctly (in a column that was FULL of mistakes), stupid things my friends would say and wiener jokes out the wazooty. It was funny to me, and I hope it was funny to you.
So thanks again for reading. I am very grateful you allowed me to try and brighten your day. And I’ll see you out there in (shudder) the real world.
Stay classy, Commerce.
Wiener, wiener, wiener …
Say goodbye to Michael at
thetruthandotherlies1@gmail.com