The raccoons are coming! The raccoons are coming!
Actually they are already here.
These masked vermin have lain dormant for years, until now. That’s right, the raccoons are here and they seem to mean business.
Do not, I stress, do not let their cute, cuddly furry exterior fool you. No, these creatures are not to be trusted. And sadly, Texas A&M University-Commerce has become their new target.
The questions have begun, “Why did they choose here?” and “Why now?” The answers to which are still not completely clear.
What has been determined is that the raccoons have been plotting the ambush foe sometime. For years, the masked-militia have been scouting the campus, spying on the university by way of their intelligence group, “Felis cattus,” better known as “cats.”
According to reports, the cats have been living on campus and relaying information back to the raccoons.
This information has proven valuable in letting them know which buildings to attack first.
After analysis of this data from the cats, the raccoons planned an attack that would devastate the students’ lounge in the Journalism building.
The attack would come on the night of Sept. 16 damaging the chairs and couches, causing the lounge to be closed for several days after.
Reports say that the lounge is back in working order and had made a complete bounce-back since the malicious militant action.
The students of A&M-Commerce are strongly urged to not associate with or aid the raccoons in any way. Based on the statements sent in from the raccoon camp after the story containing a photo of the captured was published, the raccoons are not sympathetic to any student kindness.
“Too long have the students of this campus walked, driven their cars and ridden their bikes without any regard for the animal kind.” Leader of the raccoon camp Rowdy Procyoneous Lotoran said, “We are here to prove a point. And the published photo containing our captured comrade has only fueled our fire.”