Then raccoons are gone…or are they?

Where have all the raccoons gone? I’ll tell you where they have gone: into hiding.These rascally little devils have taken heed to the article written in the previous months, alerting the public about their plans for campus domination.But where are they hiding? They would love for you to believe that they have left for good and that their reign of terror has ended. They would also love for you to believe that they have decided to ease your thoughts about an impending attack. But alas, they have not. They have gone into hiding in the dark recesses of the ceilings of the Journalism building. The masked vermin have been heard at night, running along over the drop tiles on all three floors.In recent events, The East Texan staff have called out the raccoons late on Tuesday nights while finishing up their latest issue. These editors standing up against the hiding raccoons have spurred the leader of the raccoon militia, Rowdy Procyoneous Lotoran, to release statements about their stance on the war between the humans and the animals.”Don’t think that because me and my comrades have gone into hiding we are not plotting our next military action against you. As soon as you foolish humans have decided we are no longer a threat to your ways of life, we will strike again. Next time, the strikes will be messier and more feces-filled,” Lotoran said.Recently, the feeders for the feral cats around campus have been pulled in order to lessen the population of raccoons and other unwanted animals around campus. Some of the feral cats believe that their only source of food and well-being has now been stripped from them.”What are we supposed to do now? You have taken our food away, because of a small number of lost souls. It is not the majority of us that have been sharing the food rations with the rebellious raccoons, but it seems that we are all being punished for the crimes of few,” spokescat for the fair treatment of all animals (FTAA) Sylvester Felinus said.Some advice for those of you out there worrying about what do to about the possibility of another raccoon attack, do not under any circumstances help or administer aid to any raccoon you might meet. Trust only those cats that you know very well. But stand guard to those who sympathize with the raccoons’ cause.It has been tipped to us that in the past weeks with Gee Lake being under construction, some of the resident ducks have been coerced into alliance with the terrorist raccoons. The identity of the raccoon-friendly ducks have not been released to the press, so it is imperative to always have your guard up when visiting the lake.In the war against the animals we must make sure that we are not hostile to all those included in the animal species but to only be weary of those in relationships with the raccoons. I cannot stress it enough. They are not to be trusted under any circumstances.”I stopped to help a raccoon who seemed to be lost and when I got off my bike he stole my wallet and bit my ankles. I was only trying to help him or her, I wasn’t clear which it was,” a Texas A&M University-Commerce student who wished to remain anonymous for safety reasons said.