I went to see Paul Blart: Mall Cop knowing that it was likely going to be a lightweight, inoffensive, kid-friendly comedy that put more emphasis on sight gags and pratfalls than artistic merit.
I was under no illusions that it was going to be a great film by any means, so my expectations were extremely low.
That this movie somehow managed to disappoint despite this substantially lowered bar is a testament to how awful it really is.
The movie star Kevin James of King of Queens as the title character-a middle-aged, overweight loser who works as a security guard at a mall to substitute for his dream of being a state trooper.
He lives with his mother and daughter and seems to spend most of his free time having awkward conversations with other people telling him how miserable of a person he is.
In fact, if the movie can be summed up in one word: awkward. His conversations with his family are awkward, his interactions with his co-workers are awkward, his attempts at romance are painfully awkward, and so on.
This movie’s release date is awkward as well, as within the movie plot itself, it is set on Black Friday, the busiest shopping day of the year, and, more importantly, the day after Thanksgiving.
Several scenes show workers putting up Christmas decorations, preparing for the holidays.
Now that we’ve moved past New Year’s Day and have just about recovered from the holiday hangover, it seems like an odd time to release a movie full of elves and sleigh bells.
The jokes are stereotypical, and all are run into the ground. I can imagine a script writers’ meeting for the film: “You know what’s funny? Fat people! And Segway scooters! And 80’s power ballads!”
Early in the film, Blart is spreading peanut butter on a pie. No explanation is given; apparently peanut-buttering a pie is supposed to be self-evidently funny.
The plot is equally ridiculous.
The first part of the film deals with Blart’s attempt to woo the vendor of a hair extension kiosk, which ends in disaster as he makes a drunken fool of himself at an employee party, a crime which the object of his affections finds inexplicably unforgivable.
The movie then shifts from limp comedy to limp action-thriller, as the mall is taken over by a team of thieves (who all appear to have years of dance training under their belts), planning on stealing the credit card codes from all the stores in the mall, which they reason will net them 30 million dollars.
Blart, who is in the midst of a Rock Band solo in the mall arcade, is missed by the super-slick crime-dance team, and is the only one left inside who can save the day.
On more than one occasion, plot points are so absurd as to be laughable. In one scene, Blart’s daughter manages to stroll calmly into the mall (somehow out of the view of the police and SWAT teams that have surrounded the building) solely for the obvious device of having her as a hostage.
All of this would be forgivable if the movie was funny, but it isn’t.
The main character is unlikable, the situation is wholly unbelievable, and none of it is enjoyable in the least.
If you were planning on seeing this film, do me a favor. Take the six bucks you were going to spend and just set it on fire. Trust me, it will be a better use of your money.