For too long I have hidden my ability to foretell the future from the people. Behind this charming veil lies untold knowledge of things to come. As 2007 draws to a close, it’s high time I let you know what you can look forward to in the days ahead. BEHOLD!
National
-The government will build a giant stone wall at the United States-Mexico border. We will then immediately be invaded by Mongol hordes.
-A new canidate will rise and run for president. They will unite the people, stand for true American values, and not be a puppet of special interest groups. The following election will be a landside victory for the canidate.
Just kidding, it will continue to be a horrific political nightmare.
Entertainment
-Evel Knievel will rise from the dead, having described death as “just a really big jump.”
-The total number of World of Warcraft players will reach 10 million. The community will cheer in celebration and then, winded, sit back down again to catch their breath.
-The HD-DVD vs. Blu-ray battle will come to a heated end as the involved corporations realize no one cares.
-In an interview discussing its end, producers of the hit show “Lost” will be asked how they continued to produce the show during the writers strike. J. J. Abrams will be qouted as saying “Writers … right, uh …” Mr. Abrams will then be qouted as having shouted “Look over there!” after which he will sprint out the door. No one will be surprised.
Texas A&M
University-Commerce
-The Mass Media, Communication and Theater Department will offer classes in “Reality Show Theory.” The class will housed off-campus, filmed, and pitted against one another in various morally degrading challenges.
-The Foreign Language Department will no longer offer Spanish classes, forcing them to offer “Canadian English” to satisfy the foreign language requirement for an Arts degree.
-A petition will surface demanding that the football team mascot more accurately represent Commerce. The new mascot will be the Texas A&M University-Commerce Mangy Feral Cats. In an unrelated coincidence, the cafeteria will mysteriously stop serving meatloaf.
The East Texan
-We will receive at least 15 more comments on the “Wild Hogs” review.
-The East Texan will have its first divorce announced on the Opinion page.
So now that you know, try to look surprised when it happens.