Everything needs to be checked and evaluated. Things need to be updated to fit todays appetites and preferences. Too often something labeled “tradition” is in need of a tune-up. Why not Thanksgiving? We’re already getting third-degree burns trying to fry the turkey, and if searing oil alchemy isn’t an update I don’t what is. So like good students, we should analyze and think critically about Thanksgiving.
Turkey – Chances are you had turkey for Thanksgiving. I’ll bet money it was dry. Dry like a kitchen sponge made out of meat. No matter how they engineer, prod, inject, feed, soak, breed, sensually massage, or prepare the turkeys before we purchase them, by the time it lands on the plate, it’s slightly moister than jerky. Sure the turkey is an appropriately gigantic animal for family consumption, but let’s retire the old bird. You know what also feeds a lot people at a family get together? Ribs.
Ham – A few of you out there do not eat turkey on Thanksgiving. There are those among us who had ham, and these people must be ferreted out of their homes and deported to China … they’re the worlds greatest producer of pork, work with me. Regardless, ham is hilarious, and sure it looks delicious in cartoons, but it is not a symbol of thanks. That’s why it’s better served during Christmas when we’re greedy.
Stuffing – Apparently if you don’t actually cram it into your turkey, it’s called dressing. Even though turkeys are baked for hours in blistering heat, bacteria can easily endure it as long as there is plenty of stuffing for them to take refuge. Knowing this, some people still stuff their turkey. I imagine it’s something like the thrill of ordering blowfish at a sushi restaurant. Bacterial Russian roulette.
Isn’t bread already adequately represented on the table anyway? Who would turn down fresh-baked rolls for tiny soggy croutons? So lets take the dressing off the table and add another basket of rolls because you know it’s going to be a battle to the death to get your share.
Mashed Potatoes – I don’t think anyone can argue the universal appeal of mashed potatoes. You can’t just take a little mashed potatoes. Everyone needs a small mountain of potatoes regardless of how much they normally eat. Its one of the few foods that actually ends up being furthered engineered on the plate. It becomes a lovingluy-crafted reservoir for gravy. It’s the perfect food.
Cranberry Sauce – For Thanksgiving this year, we decided to make something for the family. A common cop-out dish for the relative without much ambition is cranberry sauce, even more so if they simply slice up the jelly nightmare that comes out of the can. So we made traditional cranberry sauce, wanting to be the former rather than the latter. While a treat on the table, it never gets used up. Due to a measurement error we made what could only be described as a “tub” of cranberry sauce. It sits in our fridge now, and sometimes we sit and stare at it, questioning its purpose. We’re thinking of taking it out back and setting it on fire.
Rolls – The Napoleon of bread. Popular, successful, and very small, they are valuable commodities that can be passed as projectiles. The day after, who doesn’t like mini Thanksgiving sandwiches? No one, that’s who.
Sweet Potato Pie – No, not pumpkin pie. Pumpkin pie is inferior to sweet potato pie in all ways a pie can be judged by man. When did gourds get so popular anyway? Do people really like hollowing out a huge seed-filled cavern to scrape out a meager amount of pie stuffs? You can’t even carve a face into it afterwards, because that ship sailed in October.
Uncle Ted – Maybe his name isn’t Ted, but the legacy endures. He or she is the wildcard of the Thanksgiving Day experience. Who knows what they’ll do this year? Drunk? High? Maybe they finally found the girl of their dreams in that Ukrainian bride catalogue they brought last year. Did they move out of Grandpa’s camper? Who knows? It’s a wacky time where anything could be said, but we can all bet that it will probably be a little racist.