This time of year always makes me reflective. I ask myself, have I used my influence as a respected commentator (Ha!) to try and help my fellow students?
Then I laugh and laugh, because I know that I haven’t. I’m a humor columnist in training. My job isn’t to write biting commentary to make you, my constant reader, think! My job is to get the word “wiener” in my column as many times as possible.
So let’s stop screwing around and hand out some “End of the Semester Wiener Awards”!
My first award goes to all the people that have e-mailed me this semester. My heartfelt thanks goes to everyone who has supported this column; and, unfortunately for my detractors, there are a lot of you out there! I don’t know how many times I’ve been stopped on campus by students telling me they love reading my column (537 times).
But some of you don’t like my column. A couple of readers have written anonymous letters to the editor saying I’m too sophomoric and that I should try writing my “so called journalism” somewhere else.
Well, you are entitled to your opinion, but I do have one last retort. At least when I write something that is printed in this paper, it appears next to MY NAME and a BIG PICTURE OF ME! Enjoy your wiener award.
The second wiener award goes to the graduating seniors. I hate all of you, and I’m insanely jealous.
Seriously, I wish you the best of luck in “the real world.” You’re going to need it! Now you have to be responsible adults; because, if you are not, then you will never get a job. Which means you’ll never buy a house or a car, never get married and, worse of all, NEVER PAY OFF YOUR STUDENT LOANS! Ready for “the real world” now, suckers? I think I’ll stick around one more semester and write wiener jokes.
On a serious note, graduates, be proud that you have earned your degree, because fewer and fewer people go to college, let alone finish.
So a special wiener award goes to two graduates: Amelia Shada and Amanda Howell. I’ll miss both of your charming smiles and quiet words of encouragement (they had to be quiet, because not many students in the Radio/Television department like me).
In order to have graduates, we must have a graduation (how is that for biting commentary). So our professors get to go to another mind-numbing ceremony and play one of my favorite games: Make Fun of Names in the Program. Bored professors play this game by looking for names in the program like “Ollie Tabooger” and “I. C. Wiener” and laughing so hard they choke on their graduate degrees. Fun!
In conclusion, ladies and gentlewieners, I have had a great time writing sophomoric columns for you. It has been a blast pontificating about my friends wanting to eat penguins, bad grammar, final’s study tips, and wiener judges attacking me. I also noticed that I wrote about my girlfriend, Robyn Hollis, a lot! But that’s what she gets for dating the humor columnist.
So until next semester, my constant readers, I bid you adieu. Me manger, saucisses. Perhaps you don’t speak French, so comerme, salchichs del Francfort.
To you graduates, Godspeed.
Wiener, wiener, wiener…
(Wiener count: English wieners – 16. Foreign wieners – 2)
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