Donkey love: All’s fair

Can you sense it?

Love is in the air. And this time it’s just for the ladies.

With Valentine’s Day around the corner, many are thinking ahead about love and commitments. I don’t mean just the kind of love that makes a man let a woman put potpourri in his apartment (that’s deep, man), but the love of a political party making its resurgence in recent months.

And with new love comes premature thoughts of commitment. Already several Democratic senators, governors and possibly dog catchers are vying for your heart, and vote, in the next presidential race.

Now you know you can only choose one (even if you live in Utah), but why not play the field before making a final decision. Who knows you might get lucky?

First would be the guy you thought about once, but did something stupid. Sen. Joe Biden of Delaware carries himself in an energized, confident manner like a car salesman with an awkward looking failed hair transplant. Sure he hurt you by getting blamed for plagiarism once before for something he said. But it’s not like he would open his mouth and say something stupid to hurt his chances to win your heart again. That would ruin the storybook, man!

If you like mature men, you might look at Sen. Christopher Dodd of Connecticut or Mike Gravel, a former senator from Alaska. Never heard of ’em? Don’t worry; they’re just on the list to cover the bases. No one can truly relate to people from such desolate wastelands like Alaska or Connecticut.

Another former beau comes to mind with pretty boy and Southern gentleman John Edwards. Now that your family knows he’s not that creepy psychic guy (ugh!), they might warm up to him. He’s always got a smile and refuses to get into nasty fights with others. Hmmm … actually this might be a problem. What if you’re at a club and some freak from some foreign place where they talk funny tries to get heavy with you. If he doesn’t stand up for himself, will he stand up for you? The wuss.

Let’s not bring up Dennis Kucinich. Your parents would never approve of him with those nasty pot rumors. (Psst, there’s a party at his place Friday night!)

Tom Vilsack seems a good choice. He went from a mayor to a governor in Vermont in a little over a decade. Your Aunt Ruthie would say this shows drive and focus. But she’d slap you silly for seeing a Catholic. (She’s a little prejudiced like that. Forgive her, she’s old.)

She might not like Gov. Bill Richardson of New Mexico either. (Not to tell secrets, dear, but he’s Hispanic.) But old Ruthie will probably forget all about that when she hears he went to school in Boston where his father grew up. Sure he inflated his ego with that I-was-selected-in-a-Major-League-Baseball-draft story that turned out to be baloney. But, hey, it was just braggadocio. (Look up the $5 word.)

Well, perhaps you could bring that young, handsome, smart, upbeat storybook guy, Sen. Barack Obama, to dinner. Seriously, he’s handsome, smart, upbeat and going places. He’s like the Tiger Woods of politics, man. Sure your redneck cousin thinks he’s a sleeper for al-Qaeda, but people in reality know better — unless they’re typing the scroll for CNN. Yeah, he used marijuana and cocaine as a teen, but at least he’s honest about it instead of pulling that old “I didn’t inhale” line. And this guy can talk. Remember that speech in 2004? Man, he killed! And if any of your friends or family has any other problems with him, tell them he knows Spielberg!

Still no luck? Perhaps you’ve been burned by men so much that you need someone who knows what a woman needs. How do you feel about strong, intelligent mature women who can understand the problems a man can cause? Enter Sen. Hillary Clinton of New York. This blonde bombshell may be tough for some in your life to accept, but they just don’t know her like you do. She’ll stick with you no matter what mistakes you make. And unlike other Democrats (rhymes with Kerry, er, sounds exactly like Kerry), she can tell a joke. You don’t know if you’re comfortable with a woman being in charge? Try it; you might like it.

By this point, you’re still not sure. You’re full of hope and expectations. You’ve been burned before — last time by that slow-witted New Englander who liked to play cowboy.

But you’ve got to get on that horse again — or at the very least, a jackass.

So saddle up, honey, and get ready to ride. From now until the first primaries in a little less than a year, the courtship promises to be a grand donkey show for everyone. Just don’t let your heart get broken in the process.

Please note this column was inspired by a story on NPR in the past month. The author would have credited the program and correspondent directly, but as he was inebriated when he heard it he can’t remember specific details. Please don’t mistake the author for Sen. Joseph Biden.