So did everyone have a nice break? Have you re-energized? Is your crotch on fire? I think they have penicillin in the infirmary.
People ask me all the time, “Michael, just where do you get off writing such sophomoric and stupid humor? And you act like an idiot on television! I’m surprised you haven’t been fired yet! Any moron could write your column and act stupid on the radio and television!”
Actually it takes a very special kind of moron to do the things that I do. Perhaps you are that kind of moron. Would you like to find out? Take this simple test.
A judge tries to take your camera away. You…
A) Stand there as the judge calls for a bailiff.
B) Swear loudly and try to get your camera back.
C) Ask the judge if you can wear his robe and yell, “I hold you in contempt!”
Your director tells you to be serious on your talk show. You…
A) Take her comments into consideration and act more professionally.
B) Tell her, “I’m not going to act like a stiff out there!” and continue your wacky antics.
C) Make fun of her in your humor column.
During an interview with Dr. McFarland, you…
A) Ask about the increasing cost of tuition?
B) Ask what it is like to be president of a university?
C) Ask if you can sit at his desk and pretend you are president?
You have written a derogatory column about the football coaches. They aren’t happy. So you…
A) Apologize
B) Defend your column. You have the right to express your opinion.
C) Laugh at the athletic department for taking a humor columnist so seriously. What a bunch of wieners!
You’ve received numerous complaints about your use of the word wiener. You…
A) Cut back your use of the word
B) Pat yourself on the back. If people aren’t complaining, then you’re not doing your job.
C) Call the complainers a bunch of wieners.
Scoring your results: Give yourself 1 point for every A answer, 2 points for every B answer and 3 points for every C answer. Then give yourself 10 points if you devised your own answer, because being the brat prince of the media at A&M – Commerce means that sometimes you have to improvise.
I think that is what I love so much about my schoolwork. I’m not the serious journalist who writes investigative stories. I don’t even write informative stories. I write what I write and act the way I do because, well, I can’t help myself! It’s what my forerunners Dave Barry, Art Buchwald and dozens of others have done. Even Dr. Bridges told me that I should probably stay away from writing news. Well, duh!
Could you see me at a press conference? Serious journalists would be taking notes about what was happening, and there I’d stand, scratching myself and thinking of new ways to use the word wiener.
Because wieners are my beat.
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