Do you ever immediately regret saying something? Not later on that day after reflecting on it, but halfway through the sentence itself?
A few weeks ago, I was in the middle of a busy cashier shift, staring at a line of customers ten deep, who all had a “can you get someone else up here to help” look on their faces. Nobody responded to my distress signal, and I ultimately had to ring them all up myself.
Just after that, another employee walked up and asked, “Hey, did you need help?”
I exploded.
“Of course I needed help, you idiot! What in the world were you doing, sitting in the back having coffee? You are the most useless…”
I came out of my rage long enough to realize how hateful and hurtful what I was saying was.
“…I mean yes. Yes, I did.”
I’ve come to a realization about the way I interact with people: I’m a jerk. If someone says something that even slightly rubs me the wrong way, I will fire back with both barrels without hesitation, and without considering the consequences of what I’m saying.
I’m not at all alone in this. We as a species tend to derive a lot of satisfaction out of venting our frustrations, unloading whatever is making us upset on anyone within earshot, either hoping to find a sympathetic ear or make them feel as bad as we do.
The problem with that is we do not even consider what the other person might be going through or how they will respond. In the cashier episode, I didn’t care that the other employee might have had a legitimate reason for not hearing my call for help. I was thinking only of myself and how stressed I was, and I just wanted them to know how upset they made me.
We all know that the preeminent authority on rage management, Thumper, from “Bambi,” has a simple philosophy on the subject: “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say nothing at all.” Grammatical inconsistencies aside, there’s a lot of truth to it. But silence can be just as offensive as a harsh remark, so I would suggest a slight reworking of that adage.
I think the world would be a much better place if everyone just took three seconds to think about what they’re going to say before they say it. Give your head and your conscience just a moment to look past pure emotional retaliation and think about the other participants in your conversation.
So, if you can’t say anything nice, by my logic, give yourself a second to see if you can. It’s not as catchy, I’ll admit, but I think it can be a lot more useful. Maybe next time, by pausing to collect my thoughts, I’ll give my fellow employee the chance to explain she was helping a customer and couldn’t come help me, before I bite her head off.