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Chancellor Mills' Information for Life

Lesson 2: Laundry

By Chancellor Mills
On January 25, 2011

College is a place for learning. You learn who you are, who you're going to be, how to survive on your own, what you're going to be when you "grow up," etc. There are some things, however, that you may not learn how to do – certain skills that will aid you during your time in college and could serve you for the rest of your life.

This week's lesson is: doing your laundry.

Things you will need: washing machine, dryer, clothes, laundry detergent, dryer sheets, Shop-Vac, fire extinguisher and $200-300.

Step one: dump all of your dirty clothes into your washing machine. I know what you're thinking: "Shouldn't I separate my clothes into different loads like colors and whites? That's what my mom always does." Well, your mom is an idiot. (And from the looks of those loads, I'd say she's probably a little racist too.) Now, I'm teaching these lessons, not your stupid, racist mom. So I'm telling you to put all of your dirty clothes into the washing machine. We're doing laundry big-boy style.

Step two: it's now time to add the detergent. Now, I know the bottle says that it contains enough detergent for 96 loads, but you're going to need the whole bottle for this hardcore load of laundry. So just pour it all into the machine with your clothes.

Step three: start the washing machine. The cycle you choose doesn't really matter all that much. They basically do the same thing more or less.

Step four: Congrats! You're now roughly halfway through washing your clothes. You can take yourself a little break now if you like. You earned it.

Step five: okay, so you accidentally fell asleep and slept for two hours. No big deal; don't panic. I mean, what's the worse that could have happened in only two hours?

Step six: use your Shop-Vac to displace the two or three inches of water that have now flooded your laundry room and part of the hallway. Maybe the WHOLE bottle was just a little too much. My bad. This one's on me. The good news is that the carpet in the hallway smells a little bit better now.

Step seven: well it's time to put those wet clothes in the dryer. This is where your dryer sheets are going to come in. Dryer sheets will be a good way to make sure that your clothes have that little extra bit of softness. Now, you're going to want to just throw that whole box of sheets in there. The reasons being that we have our monster-sized load and the more sheets you have in the dryer, the softer your clothes will be when they come out of the dryer. You also want to be sure set your dryer to the highest heat possible, so that your clothes will dry as quickly as possible.

Step eight: once you've started your clothes in the dryer, you'll now have a little bit of time to wait. So it's cool if you just want to take another break and watch some TV or something. Just don't fall asleep this time, okay?

Step nine: you fell asleep…again. What is wrong with you? Seriously, do you have like…a condition? You've been asleep for another two hours and something is smoking. Yep, you clothes are on fire.

Step ten: quickly grab the fire extinguisher and douse your clothes before the rest of your house burns. You really messed up this time, idiot. Way to go.

Step 11: weep.

Step 12: try to blame me for this even though I explicitly told you NOT to fall asleep. And frankly, I won't stand for these accusations. Well before you get too crazy, remember how I said you would need $200-300?

Step 13: rise from the ashes of your former wardrobe, go to your nearest mall and buy a new wardrobe.

Congratulations! You now have clean clothes and are one step closer to being a mature, fully functioning adult.


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