Writer gives tips for surviving Schwarzenegger

Let's face it; in the world of cinema, Arnold Schwarzenegger is a beast. There is no doubt about it, his movies are the crème de la crème of action and adventure blockbuster films. Something else you should know if you have ever seen an Arnold film is he always wins. He always kills the bad guy and anybody else that gets in his way.

Having said that, here are some quick tips – for both young henchmen in training and aliens sent from an advanced civilization bent on human conquest – to surviving a Schwarzenegger flick. Actually, I must make it clear that there is no conceivable way to survive a Schwarzenegger movie, so, rather, these are some quick tips on how to go about dying in a way that doesn't make Arnold seem like such a beast.

Tip number one: Never engage or anger Arnold. This includes, but is not limited to, killing his family, stepping on his toes, kidnapping his daughter, cracking a "yo mamma" joke, kidnapping his wife, breathing your coffee breath in his general direction, etc. Leave the Arnold alone.

Tip number two: So, it is now 20 minutes into the movie and you now have Arnold "right where you want him." Time to relax, right? Wrong. Now is the time for you to run. Run away as fast as you can. That man could escape, without a scratch, from the inside of a vat of acid. He will escape from whatever "corner" you've got him in, he will find you, and he will kill you in some horrific and punning fashion – like dropping you into a pool of liquid nitrogen as he tells you to "Chill out."

Tip number three: Never tell Arnold that you're going to "kick his ass." It's not going to happen. You know it. Arnold knows it. Also, this tip counts doubly for Green Berets. Everybody knows that Colonel John Matrix eats Green Berets for breakfast, and he's very hungry.

Tip number four: We're down to the last half hour of the movie now. You and eight or nine of your fully armed, thuggish friends have Schwarzenegger pinned down in a bunker, tool shed or out-house. Time to open fire, kill Arnold and ride off into the sunset on a mighty steed as an Aerosmith ballad begins to play and the credits start to roll. Right? Sorry, wrong again. Never forget that Arnold can easily kill you and your mates with a tissue, two rubber bands, a paperclip and the sweat of his brow.

Tip number five: You have made it almost all the way through this 97-minute thrill ride and now there are only 5 minutes left. My final caution to you at this point: do not, and I repeat, do not challenge Arnold to a fight to the death. However, if you feel the unyielding desire to kill him, do try to pick a location that does not easily facilitate Arnold making a play on words as he kills you. For instance, do not fight Arnold in a sauna or boiler room. This would only set him up for the cheesy "Blow off some steam" line as he puts an end to your sad, pathetic existence.