Opinion: Columns are meant to be satire

So, I can't endorse explicitly murdering hookers in an article? My bad. I didn't know.

Those who read my articles probably know exactly what I'm talking about. For those of you who read, chuckled and went on living your life, you did the right thing. This article is CLEARLY not for you. For the rest of you – settle down, would you?

I've written on a wide variety of topics this semester, ranging all the way from giving you kiddies weight loss "tips," to educating you on the best way to survive a horror film. In every one of them, there is a clear, distinct formula and just a hint of truth or helpful information, with a little dry satire drizzled on top. But that's all it is – satire.

For those genuinely concerned for my mental well-being, don't worry about me. I'm sure I need hourly counseling, but I'm not suicidal, homicidal, genocidal or any other kind of -cidal. I'm also not bulimic or addicted to drugs.

For the rest of you, quit being so sensitive. And for those of you who are currently reading this from prison, sorry if you were dumb enough to take my advice on the hooker thing.

And I'm not just talking about my readers being overly sensitive. It's starting to happen more and more in my real life because of my use of what some might consider potentially offensive colloquialisms. Nowadays, there isn't a single person I know who doesn't use something mildly offensive to address their friends. It's for this reason that you can't be so offended when someone you know calls you something random like "jerk" or "b****" or " c************." I get called an "a** hole" all the time by people I'm not even close to and it doesn't offend me. So, if you walk into the room I'm in and I say, "Aw, this b****," you shouldn't be offended either. Just reply in an equally harsh manner and move on.

With this point, I must bring my "bitch-fest" column to a close. If you take anything away from reading this column, let it be this: I am not here to incite your anger or offend people in any way. I'm simply here to entertain and shock you into guilty laughter. Take anything I say in these columns with a big ol' helping of salt, because I will NOT retract my opinions and this author will NOT be restrained.