Writer says goodbye to stolen clothes

If you have ever seen me walking around Commerce, you may have thought to yourself, "Hey, that guy looks interesting. His clothes are so snazzy and unique. I think I would enjoy being his friend." And to that I say, "Right, you are!"

But, alas, I am writing now to inform you of my sad, sad, sad loss. On Tuesday, Sept. 20, 2011, a large majority of my classy, beautiful shirts were taken from me in what can only be described as an affront against fashion-forward men everywhere. That's right, somebody abducted several of my shirts from a dryer while I was doing my laundry.

As any law enforcement official will tell you, in the case of most "shirt-nappings," you have 48 hours between the time of the abduction and the point at which you can expect to never see the victim(s) again. In light of this fact, I have decided to say goodbye to my pretty shirts.

Where to start…

To my soft cotton Superman shirt: You were emblazoned with the insignia of my favorite superhero, and your colors were so light and bright, that wearing you made me feel…well…it made me feel just super. Goodbye.

To my equally soft Captain America shirt: You were, by no means, my favorite shirt, but I liked you because you were soft and you made me look just a little bit stout. Also, when I wore you, I knew that, even though everybody would see me for the superhero nerd that I am, nobody would dare begrudge me wearing a Captain AMERICA shirt…because that would be unpatriotic. Goodbye.

To my plaid short sleeve, button down "nerd jersey": good riddance! I never liked you. Despite spending the entire summer getting into better shape, and despite knowing that I just have naturally broad shoulders, you still made me feel like a tub of lard every time I went in for a hug. You fit me just fine in the mid-section but – because of you – any time I moved my shoulders forward AT ALL, the only thing I could think about was Chris Farley in "Tommy Boy" singing "…fat guy in a little coat…" I sincerely hope to see you on a future episode of Dateline. Again, good riddance.

To my short sleeve, gray and black-striped, Henley-style shirt: I will miss you a lot, but my sense of loss has been tempered by your fraternal twin – RED, short sleeve, Henley-style shirt. Adios.

To my long sleeve, purple plaid, button-down: I really liked you. You were one of my more unique friends, and I am sad that, should I ever meet Justin Bieber, we will now have no common ground. Goodbye.

And, finally, to my gray super soft, short sleeve polo with the extra deep collar: Don't tell everyone else, but I think I will miss you most. You were oh so soft and comfortable, and your collar that went a button deeper that the rest of the polo's out there. Beyond that, I will also miss you because – I am sad to say – I fear that your softness may be the only thing my girlfriend liked about me. Goodbye, my friend.

(P.S.: One last thing, gray super soft, short sleeve polo with the extra deep collar: If you're reading this, I left a small razor blade in your breast pocket. Use it to kill your abductor and come back to me. PLEASE! Happy hunting.)

That makes me feel a bit better to get that off my chest. And, now that you have these detailed descriptions of my prized shirts, I ask that you keep an eye out for them. I know it's been 48 hours already but I still hold on to hope.

Do not mistake my intentions, dear friends. I do not wish the perpetrator any harm. Having said that, if you see him wearing any of the clothes described above, let me know so that I can gently reprimand the stupid, selfish son of a ****-****ing, ****ing *****…right in his stupid ****ing face!

Thank you.