Technology aids in alcohol consumption

Dear Beer Industry,

I feel confident that I speak for everybody who has ever lived when I say that drinking beer is an essential part of the college experience. And, thanks to the esteemed scientists of the major beer companies, drinking case after case of cheap, putrid beer every night can be a fantastical experience.

For instance, Miller Lite's patented new Vortex Bottle promises consumers a "perfect pour" with every bottle and, I can attest, that I get a PERFECT pour of beer right into my mouth every night. In fact, I feel no greater pity than when I think of those poor schmucks out there just drowning in beer because they can't get that perfect pour.

Another valued invention comes from another corner of the beer industry, Coors' Vented Wide Mouth Can. You wouldn't think that a slight lift of the aluminum around the mouth of the can would make a huge difference, but it most certainly does. The Vented Mouth makes a HUGE difference when shotgunning a Coors. There's nothing I hate more than having to put forth ANY effort whatsoever to get the beer out of that can.

Another treasure from the great minds at Coors has got to be the invention of the mountains on the can that turn blue when the beer is cold. How, in the 70-plus years between the end of prohibition until now, has no other company thought of this? Not only do the color-changing mountains serve to let me know if a trip across the room to grab my beer is worth it when I'm almost too drunk to stand up without vomiting, it also lets me know if my surroundings are the correct temperature as well. For instance, if I put a brick of Coors Light in my fridge on Wednesday and, when I go to check on it the next day, the mountains aren't blue, then I know that my refrigerator is broken.

One of the inventions that I have loved the longest would be the quality grading system enacted by Keystone. The way it works is that each can is given a small mark on the bottom of the can indicating the quality of the beer inside – the darker the mark, the better the beer. This makes it simple to tell whether the contents of the can in my hand will taste like either chilled goat's piss or chilled ram's piss before ever having to pop the top.

Finally, I would like to sing the praises of the one invention that I'm sure I will enjoy most once I leave college: the mini-keg. Recently, several companies have released a fridge-sized beer dispenser that is kind of like a mini-keg – I couldn't be happier. One of the only things I look forward to in the decade following my graduation is being able to have a drink and experience that frat party feeling while still being a semi-functioning, alcoholic member of society.

My sincerest "Thank you" goes out to the scientists behind these irreplaceable inventions.

With all the love in my liver,

-Chancellor Mills