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Chancellor Mills' Information for Life:

Lesson 7: building a resume and getting a job.

By Chancellor Mills
On March 3, 2011


College is a place for learning. You learn who you are, who you're going to be, how to survive on your own, what you're going to be when you "grow up," etc. There are some things, however, that you may not learn how to do – certain skills that will aid you during your time in college and could serve you for the rest of your life. So, I have decided to write a series of "how-to" columns over completing some of these tasks.

This week's lesson: how to build a good resume and apply for a job.

Step one: you want to fill out your basic information, including your name, e-mail and telephone number. It's common knowledge that initial screeners of resumes are secretaries of the people you are looking to work for. It's for this reason that I highly recommend putting "winky" faces before and after all three of these pieces of information, as well as including a box of chocolates accompanying your resume. This will excite and intrigue the secretary who will get you an interview just to see what you look like.

Step two: once your resume gets past the secretary's eyes, it's time to impress the boss, by "wowing" him with your work experience and pertinent work skills. If you don't actually have any impressive experience or skills, don't worry. This brings me to step three.

Step three: lie, lie and lie some more. Depending on where you are applying to work, you should curtail your resume to fit that job application. For instance, if you are looking to work for an entertainment magazine, amend your work experience to include working for a more prominent entertainment magazine. This will make it seem like you are applying for a job below your station and make your future employer want you all the more.

Step four: as far as your work skills go, the term "pertinent" is subjective in meaning. You can never know for sure what will be pertinent to the job you are applying for. So, for this reason, it is best if you include any and all skills or achievements in your resume. And I mean ALL achievements, including that Slam Dunk Championship that you won in high school, or even that time you won that hot dog eating contest you won when your were 19. Also, include any skills – no matter how arbitrary – including your ability to write competent movie reviews, do a cartwheel or even your ability to perform basic vehicle maintenance.

Step five: in the case of applications that ask for personal references, refer to step three: lie, lie and lie some more. No employer ever actually calls those numbers. Just change your number by one or two digits and write down some fake names. Or, you could just write down your number for each reference and write down fake names. Who's going to give you a better personal reference than your good buddies, Me, Myself and I?

Way to go, champ! If you have followed these steps, it's now time to sit back and enjoy your "bitchin'" new job in the career of your choice.

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