Opinion: College life should be R-rated

If someone were to make a movie based on your life, would anyone want to watch it?

Those who know me know that I love watching movies. I could watch movies all day every day – and I actually do during breaks from school. I watch a wide variety of movies too, including slasher flicks, rom-com's, comedies, dramas, superhero movies and so on. As the movie connoisseur that I am, I can tell you that nothing turns me off about a movie more than a weak rating. Maybe it's just because I'm coming up in years, but I can no longer stand anything cheerier than a R-rating.

It's just something about watching "Resident Evil" – rife with blood and gore, strong language, graphic violence and nudity – that makes it just impossible for me to stomach a movie like "Legend of the Guardians: The Owls of Ga-Hoole." If a movie has what seems like an iffy storyline, but also has an R-rating, then I (personally) am much more likely to see that as opposed to an interesting-looking movie with a PG-rating. The reason is simple: R-rated material is much more entertaining to watch.

And this brings me back to my initial question: If someone were to make a movie based on your life, would anyone want to watch it?

Personally, I have all the faith in the world that somebody will one day produce the film adaptation of the best-selling biography of my life. (Honestly, who could resist that golden goose?) That's why I try to make sure that the scenes depicting my time in college are as R-rated – and thus entertaining – as possible.

Now, ordinarily, I would mind my own business and not advocate debauchery in the lives of others. However, this is my senior year, which means that I have seen three years worth of innocent, cautious freshmen who don't understand what college means for them. And now I've had enough.

It's a bit of a cliché, but college is the time to make your life a little R-rated. Think about it this way: in 20 years, when your kids ask to hear about some of your college stories, are you going to want to tell them about how you used to stay up all night every Saturday on a "homework binge"? (Granted, that will likely set a much better example for your children than telling them about the time that you got kicked out of the mall for sodomizing all of the "wo-mannequins" that were "asking for it.") There's only one problem with your story: your children will likely be so bored that they will slip into a comatose state. Congratulations, you just put your children into comas – they're probably going to die.

Well, I don't want your children to die. I want your children to live. I care about your future children, which is why I encourage you to do everything you can to give your time in college an R-rating; drink, smoke, get a tattoo, get something pierced, "raw-dog some randoms" and so on. Essentially, what I'm saying is, during your time at this university, rape, pillage, plunder and do just about anything you can to make sure that nobody under the age of 17 will be allowed to see the movie of your life without a parent present.

Oh, and then graduate and become a fully functioning, upstanding member of society…or something like that.