Fame-hungry celebs: just go away

You know who I want to see on television again? That's right, Tony Danza. Except that I'm lying. NOBODY misses Tony Danza or "Who's the Boss?" However, I have to give props to ole' Danza for being able to recognize when his time in the limelight was done and moving on.

Unfortunately, the same cannot be said of other celebrities and "celebrities" throughout my lifetime (and a little bit before that).

Celebrity: Mr. T

Back when he was playing B.A. Baracus on "The A-Team," Mr. T was certainly an inspiration to Mohawk-clad, bling-wearing black guys everywhere – or just anyone who wanted to wreck some s*** in general. However, if I have to sit through one more infomercial and listen to him say, "I pity the foo' who don't buy this ‘FlavorWave Oven,'" I might just purchase one, stick my head inside and use its halogen heat, infrared waves and convention cooking to slowly kill myself in just a matter of minutes.

When he should have called it quits: 1987.

Celebrity: Hulk Hogan

When I was a kid, "Hulk-o-mania" was definitely running wild. I loved every minute of it. I mean, I can't be the only kid that would pop a "Hogan-boner" every time he ripped off one of those snazzy tank tops. But now, the only thing that Hulk has done lately is that reality show where he just lectures his daughter (who is also clearly his son) and that Rent-A-Center commercial where he appears to be stealing a TV from his "brother," Troy Aikman. Also, Hulk is not as old as you might think – he's 57 this year – but he has not aged very well, and it's starting to become clear that that bandana is no longer covering a beautiful mane of bleach-blond hair. It's also becoming more and more apparent that "Hulk-o-mania" is starting to run a little senile, as the Hulkster seems to think that everybody he runs into is his "brother."

When he should have called it quits: What year was "Suburban Commando?" Right before that.

Celebrity: Jamie Lee Curtis

Don't get me wrong here, I actually have a deep fondness for Jamie Lee, but as far as I'm concerned, she has not made a film of merit since the mid-1990s. However, just because every movie she's done since then has been a massive piece of crap, doesn't mean that she hasn't been without her appeal. For those that don't know, Jamie Lee was known widely throughout the ‘80s as "the body," a description which proved to be quite apt and thus gave me material to help me starch my socks throughout the last part of the 20th century. That being said, if I have to watch another commercial with her peddling her disgusting "constipation-be-gone" yogurt, I'm going to need some Pepto.

When she should have called it quits: Someone should have made that "House Arrest" permanent.

Celebrity: Arnold "The Governator" Schwarzenegger

This is a hard one for me, because, as those who know me are vividly aware, I love me some Schwarzenegger. Old Schwarze-nator hasn't really had a winner since the early ‘90s, so it would only make sense that he would retire from acting and step into the political arena in 2004, after 10 years of crappy movies. I applauded him for that. I was distraught because I was losing a hero, but it was a sensible move. Imagine my dismay when I found out that he would be making a cameo in the testosterone-packed action flick, "The Expendables." This is unacceptable, Arnold! Have you seen what the Schwarz looks like now? He is not in good shape at all. He is not in any shape. He has no shape. He is now an amorphous blob. No part of him belongs in ANY movie even resembling an action film anymore. I'm sorry, Arnold. I love you, but you need to spend less time reliving the glory days and more time focusing on fixing your state's current budget crisis.

When he should have called it quits: When he said, "I'll be back," I kind of wish he had followed it up with: "I lied."